gay night

So living in a bible belt city there are certain things that just aren’t the norm. For instance women being completely naked in strip clubs, yep not happening. Women being in the pulpit. It happens from time to time but not often. Ii recently went to a club that my friends go to quite often for Friday happy hour. Only difference with my trip it was gay night.

I felt out of place. Not because of the lgbt crowd but because I felt not lgbt enough. I’m guess people would consider me a “stud” because I wear men’s clothes. But that’s where it ends for me. These girls walked around with braids,dreads or men’s haircuts. Nothing against any of it but it’s it’s not me. They all wore urban wear and sagged their pants almost to the ground . Again not something I would do. Where do I fit in? I’m to Girly for a lot of girls who want a stud and not manly enough for the others. Maybe it is just the city I am in. If I moved home would it be different? If I move to DC or Atlanta would it be different? I think I need to take some lgbt trips just to see what life is like elsewhere ……

When being gay goes wrong

So in the past month I have been exploring the ideals of being gay in a straight world. There is no denying that I just don’t have gay friends. I have two pretty much that live a fool gay life. Everyone else is as straight as can be.

Not until recently has this been a problem . But the young lady that I am currently dating or whatever u want to call it is straight. Honestly I feel like more of a bedroom lover than anything else . When we are alone and she is in the mood, I get all of her. Other than that she is carefree living life with her friends.

I think now more than ever I feel alone. Alone in the sense that I don’t really have that group of friends to call my own. Everybody embraces me and try invite me places {well some} . But I don’t have that group of friends that I know no matter what I want to do they will do it with me.

Where did I go wrong? Should I have tried to make or have my lesbian friends? Am I really thought of as a lesbian? It’s hard for a lot of people to wrap their fingers around me having all non lgbt friends. It’s hard for me more than I let on sometimes. I just don’t want to have to beg and pled to always be included. And I don’t like being a 2nd thought to anyone else.

Begging for friendship is not something you should have to do. The people I consider friends are there for me. But maybe not in the way I would always want them to be. The more I try to come out of the closet the more I feel like I am trapped inside. How do I get out?

If Rihanna Is About That Thug Life...I Am Too

Reblogged from Because I Said So:

See, I tried to let it slide because the unthinkable happened. I’m not so sure how it happened, but it did. I’m a Rihanna fan.

After her debacle with Chris Brown, I let my umbrella down and threw it in the trunk because I didn’t see her the same anymore. I just knew that she was a young girl who was head over hills in love and possibly off her rocker, but also under the watchful eye of a four-star publicity and management team (not denying that I don’t feel this way still).

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Lmao! Love it!

My mom

Today is the day I lost you . God needed u for him. I was jealous and angry at first. I didn’t understand, didn’t want to understand . Death is hard to deal with at any age but especially when u are young. I was thrown into a life that honestly I wasn’t ready for . I loved my mother so much. Still do. I never stopped loving her. I carry her with me everyday in my heart. V.A.J I love you. Continue to cover me and protect me. Tell God I’m trying down here. I love you and I hope I continue to make you proud.

Being Negative

Sometimes in life we have to make decisions. Decisions that change the whole scope of our lives. Since I have only been 30 for over a month I’ve had to make plenty. Country D and I are no longer associates or friends. I won’t say any thing to negative ice had my peace on it. For the past 11 years of my life she has been a part of it. Whether good or bad. She was the first woman I was ever with and loved. But I had to let her go. The season has passed. I would be lying if I said it didn’t hurt. We were everything to each other at one point and honestly that is when the trouble began . She started to be to important. I had to refocus myself with God and well no one comes before him.

Unfortunately she thought in my life she was more important. Not to me tho. Bye for now……

Life

Tonight on tv I watched two shows . One was the Oprah interview with Bobbi K and Whitney’s brother and wife talking about Whitney Houston. The other was a ESPN 30 for 30 special on Magic Johnson and his announcement of having HIV.

On one end you have death, the other a newfound love of life. People seldom tell u how impact full and how they really feel about u while u are alive. Whitney Houston was a angel to many. To see how her family speaks of her makes me think of my own mom. This month 15 years ago she was gone from my life. Never in a million years did I think at age 15 I would be motherless. Could I have done an interview like Bobbi K? Probably not but looking back I was calm. I knew my mom was out of pain and that I had to go on. Not just for me but for my mom to.

Now in my life looking at the Magic johnson story I admire him not giving up. I admire the love his wife has for him and never leaving his side . Life is always ended by death. In some form of fashion. I have to start living my life. god is showing us that there is never a tomm promised and that his return is soon. Think about the things going on in our lives. Young men dying of heart conditions , the war, the hatred . It is all found in the bible . I’m paying attention are u?

Who are u?

Purpose ….. We are here for one and one only and that is to worship God. In the travels of our lives that should always be the purpose. No matter what job, relationship , or money we garner. I was having a conversation with my coworkers this morning. One is a pastor and always has great things to add to the conversation. I told them I had a conversation with God about what my purpose should be. Not in the sense of job or money but my true gift giving into me to give to others.

My coworkers gave me an answer I have heard many times before. You ARE the gift. Like many other people in my life that have really gotten to know me they say that I have this spirit about me. I am always willing to help, I’m calming to others and easy to talk to. Many times I just shrug it off and say ok because inside of me I am anything but calm.at time I feel completely out of control. I have been talking to God more than I have in any other part of my life. I am at a crossroads of what to do.

I like helping others and giving advice. Although a lot of times it goes on death ears. I think now more than ever people are listening. Seeing that Nia does have a point. In my mind I have full conversations with people. I lay out plans of what they should do with their issues and how I can be of help. But then I falter, I never tell them of my thoughts or what I feel will work well for them. Partly Cus of my fear of people.

People sometimes just don’t want to hear what u have to say. Just like when God gives them signs of things they need to do or let go of and they don’t. Do I think of myself as God? Of course not. But I am his child , made in his likeness. He gives me these thoughts to pass on to others and what do I do? The complete opposite. I have to start saying what needs to be said no matter the outcome. People didn’t like everything God said or did why should I be any different …..*shrug*

We Flirt

Reblogged from Spoken Words & Thoughts:

We flirt with each other but never act on it, What if we did, Would our bodies connect in such a way that the stars would envy us? Would it be as boring as watching paint dry? I think of ur lips often, … … And ur touch, Thinking of your strong hands on my soft body, We flirt… Should we continue down this road, Or should we go that extra mile?

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Love it!

Share Your Life So I Know It's Real

Reblogged from Because I Said So:

Hey y’all! So I’m still here, still writing a little bit. The Loop 21 published my op-ed, “Share Your Life So I Know It’s Real.” It’s for all of us who share too much of our lives and ourselves via social media. Do find yourself posting pics and sharing your whereabouts on Facebook and Twitter? Is that really necessary or have we become conditioned?

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Peace

All week-long I have been looking for peace. Peace in my life and relationships with people. As I sat in silence in Memphis with my sister I realized something. I do have peace. Even tho situations with my living arrangements are about to change and I have lost friends over it, I will gain peace. It is about a better me now. Moving into my 30′s happy and healthy